The long shadow

At some point, you got that manager role you were looking forward to (or were force-promoted into it). In the first few months, you acknowledge you can't know everything as this is uncharted territory for your neurons. So everything looks new, shiny, and interesting... until the first crash.

Slowly you've been given more and more responsibility, or the team has grown, or ... way too many factors to list as to why you suddenly are putting out fires with very little time to think. It really doesn't matter! It will happen multiple times, and you'll survive every one. But that first one will also come with a cost: you were starting to think that you got the hang of it, and suddenly it isn't so. Then you'll look around and see all those other managers that look confident, calm, and have a tight grasp on every possible aspect of management. And there is you, feeling exactly the opposite. And one thought will go through your mind:

I'm an imposter. I should quit and go back to my safe place.

But I hope that you keep at it because it gets a little better. I won't lie to you: you'll never get that confidence you had in your previous job. That was a very safe place with very little uncertainty regarding how to do your job (there are others, but not that one). But keep that thought, as we'll talk about it later.

The problem, as usual, is a complex one. Multiple factors occurred during that crash, and you are suddenly guessing them.

• While there are books, it always feels like an incomplete learning experience. It's definitely not the same reading how to deal with a minor crisis as being there with an actual human being expressing their problems and needs.
• You compare yourself against the best side of others. Because they also have some areas to improve, but you don't look at those. So you are actually comparing yourself against the mega-manager-symbiont.
• Uncertainty. When you asked for that manager position, you surely thought that now you'd get a lot more clarity and see the bigger picture. But that clarity is actually a utopia, and the higher you go, the higher the uncertainty.
• Lack of immediate tangible output. Back in your safe place, your output was visible almost instantly, and, probably, it was measurable. You'd know if the week was a good one or a bad one. Once you move to the manager side... that's no longer available, the output is the one from your team, and you only get to see it long after any action you took.

So as mentioned above: this will keep happening because this is the context you are in now. But didn't I also say that it would get a bit better? Yes, but only because you'll start to recognize it and learn to live with that. And when you see all those other managers acting with security, it is just that: they have come to terms with that realization and are ok with it.

The realization

I guess this realization can come in very different ways for each one, so I'm afraid I don't have anything but advice to try and figure it out. But what worked for me was to get exposure to other managers. I attended a conference about engineering managers, which opened my eyes to the fact that I wasn't alone. And yes, you are reading this, and you have read something similar in other places, but as with many things in life, it's not the same to read about it than to experience it, so try to get exposure to other managers and be open about where you feel you are.

I have tried many other tactics previously and will share them here. Just because it didn't work for me doesn't mean it won't be your realization.

• Ask for feedback. My problem, in this case, is that I tend to focus on what I need to improve, so it doesn't make me feel I'm doing a good job.
• Read books and listen to podcasts. As mentioned above, it might be an incomplete experience, but that doesn't mean it is not a good thing to do.
• Self-test. This helps for a while, but you never get to know if you have covered every possible aspect. The way I tested myself was to look into the company's career paths for a manager and see which parts I was doing and which I didn't.
• Write your achievements. I use Obsidian for taking notes and organizing my tasks, and I have a page in it just grabbing all those crucial tasks I've accomplished. I should probably go a step further and write down small self-retrospectives to try and capture more details.

I hope this helps in your journey, and if you don't have access to other managers, feel free to contact me for a virtual coffee.

Takeaways

• Don't be too hard on yourself; try to celebrate your wins.
• Embrace uncertainty.
• Crashing under load/situations is an opportunity to learn.
• Connect with other managers and open yourself.